


the one where kakashi pimps out his friends

by aobears



Series: Deep Breaths [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack-ish, Cuddling, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, non-massacre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 00:25:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11680185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aobears/pseuds/aobears
Summary: Kakashi is the type of friend to use his friends to get money for Icha Icha merch.Sakura and Itachi are prime real estate.





	the one where kakashi pimps out his friends

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact, this fic was originally supposed to be a lesson in humility and 6k words before it spiraled into the budding behemoth it is now  
> also, this is crackish, but with the sad stuff in alih i needed some itasaku in my system  
> also, alih will be updated, at some point, but it will be, i promise  
> this was written in about 2 hours, and ive read through it like twice, enjoy folks

     Her diplomatic mission wasn’t really that physically tiring. Sure, she had a few spars here and there, but the real exhaustion was mental. The Elders in Kiri, along with the diplomatic system and the current Kage were most trying on her patience, to the point where Sakura was sure she was going to rip her own nails out to get the madness to stop. No government should work that slow, and the fact that they even got something done was a miracle.

     Now, all Sakura wanted to do, now that she was back in Konoha and had cleared her mission with Tsunade, was to find a suitable place to pass out for a good while. Her base reaction was to go to her apartment and pin down Itachi for 3 hours or so, but as soon as she’d opened the door and stared into the dark, cold hallway (all too similar to her room in Kiri, cold, dark, damp), and remembered that Itachi was still on his mission, any and all desire to nap in her own bed (is it really her own at this point?) disappeared immediately.   
She could go to the Uchiha Compound, put on one of Itachi’s shirts and sleep until he either came home and woke her himself, or until Mikoto woke her for food. A good idea at first, but remembering the hustle and bustle of the Main House and the impossibility of doing _anything_ in the thinly walled rooms, as well as the inevitable cup of tea and half an hour long chat with Mikoto overrode the desire to curl up surrounded by Itachi’s scent. She loved Mikoto, truly, like her own mother, but half an hour of human interaction after a mission where all she practically did was talk, was not something she felt up to.

     So here she was, in the Jounin HQ common room with absolutely no one in sight and compared to absolutely everywhere else, it’s like a breath of fresh air. The couches are soft and cool, and warm sunlight streams through the windows. She’ll crash here until she feels someone enter, or until she’s hungry, she isn’t the first to do so. With a sigh, she pitches forward onto the couch, and passes out.

* * *

 

     Stopping by the Jounin HQ is a habit at this point in Kakashi’s shinobi career. It’s a good effort on his part to restabilize from missions, and become a sort of normal human being before venturing out again into the the civilian world on errands before fully recuperating in his apartment. It’s a common habit for higher ranking shinobi as well, so it’s no surprise that Itachi follows along.

     Upon entering the common room, Kakashi can feel his base instincts taking a slow back seat. The relaxed atmosphere almost religiously upheld by all shinobi inhabiting it, and the initiation of a routine is enough to for him to loosen his grip on his Icha Icha. The almost magical effect of the Jounin HQ common room isn’t lost on Itachi, but Kakashi thinks that based on the fact that there’s another occupant, the room isn’t the only reason why the tension drains like toilet water. From the corner of his eye, Kakashi can see Itachi’s gaze glued to the sight of Sakura sprawled on the navy green couch. Itachi lets out a deep breath, and if Kakashi was prone to the romantic, he would say that Itachi looked at her as if she was everything; the sun, the moon, and the stars combined. He isn’t, so he’ll settle for Itachi looking at Sakura like she’s Home.

     A few short steps have Itachi standing over Sakura and Kakashi is fully expecting Itachi to pick her up bridal style, give him a nod, and disappear through the window with his precious cargo. What he isn’t expecting, is for Itachi to all but collapse right onto the same couch.  
Sakura barely stirs at the impact of Itachi practically diving onto her, and only when he places three kisses in quick succession from her breast bone to her collarbone and _snuggles_ his face into her neck (Kakashi is crying), do her hands slide to tangle into his hair.   
It’s such an instinctual reaction that Kakashi is dumbfounded when he realizes that both of them are asleep, just like that. Sakura never woke and Itachi was out in seconds as soon as her hands made their subconscious way into his hair.

     As a publicly known porn expert, (and a secretly known romantic expert) the moment is borderline _obscene_. He wishes (not for the first time and definitely not for the last time) that he had a camera on him.

     Something can still be salvaged. Kakashi summons his ninken, and after they ogle for a moment at their beloved pink haired student cradling one of the most dangerous shinobi in Fire Country like he is nothing, ushers them out to spread the word that Itachi and Sakura are in the Jounin HQ together. Quickly, he rearranges the couches and sets up a sort of perimeter, almost a fence, and exits the room to stand guard to the door.

     The first to arrive are Anko and Shisui, who at any mention of the two shinobi together squeal like little girls drunk on fizzy soda.

     “100 ryo for 1 minute peek, 200 ryo for a single photo, 500 ryo for a video.”

     “That’s way more than last time! What are they doing?” Anko asks, already digging around for her wallet. Shisui is doing the same, this is standard procedure at this point.

     “They’re sleeping, shh,” Kakashi says and places a finger to where his lips would be. Both Anko and Shisui freeze.

     “No fucking way,” Anko says, “Sakura doesn’t sleep in public places,”

     “No one has seen Itachi sleep, like ever, Kakashi, are you _sure?_ ” Shisui asks, his tone grave as he takes out his camera and forks over 4000 ryo, “That’s for 6 minutes, 2 videos, and 12 pictures,”

     “Itachi just straight up walked up to her and fell asleep, all of the maneuvering was done subconsciously, she did not wake up. They’re _sleeping_.”

     “Now I’ve gotta see this, here’s 4000 was well,” Anko says, and pushes her way through the doorway to catch a glimpse of the sleeping couple.

     Soon after Anko and Shisui, Ino shows up with the rest of Rookie Nine. Sasuke joins the crown because there is no way his brother is sleeping. He hasn’t seen his brother sleep in ages, and fully believes that Itachi has managed to overcome the most basic necessity. (He is quickly remedied of that notion, and gagging, exits without his full minute even passing). Everyone else is there to take pictures. After the Rookie Nine are the nurses, and then absolutely everyone else in the village remotely interested in shinobi gossip, comes to take a glimpse.   
It's _Sakura_ and _Itachi_. Gorgeous, talented, powerful medic and mysterious, powerful, steaming hot ANBU captain. It’s the #RomanticGoals of Konoha, and any glimpse at any of the romantic life of the most iconic Konoha power couple is enough for young single girls to re-inspire themselves on the notion of love. Kakashi is a goddamn gold digger.  
As soon as Sakura begins to stir, and Itachi along with her, Kakashi charges an extra 1000 ryo to every person in the room to witness it. When Sakura shifts her head to knock lightly against Itachi’s, his hands, previously lying at Sakura’s sides, make their way under the hem of her shirt to expose the soft skin of her sides. She lets out a soft sigh that’s so quiet it’s almost mistaken for a breath until the fingers in Itachi’s hair tighten. His own response is to ease his hands a few more inches up her sides and a let out a soft groan in return. It’s so intimate that the whole room, previously whispering is dead silent.

     As soon as Sakura’s eyes slide open, the room is empty, with only Kakashi straightening and sorting through his bills, he looks a bit rumpled. Sakura slides her thumb across Itachi’s cheek to wake him, and sets a suspicious glare at her teacher. Kakashi can’t hide the stack of bills in his hands, he doesn’t have enough pocket space.

     “Is that--?”

     Kakashi’s response is a slow, careful nod. Sakura may be pinned down at the moment by Itachi, unable to get to him, but as soon as she’s free and as soon as he makes a wrong move, things won’t go too well.

     “How much?” Sakura asks longsufferingly, burying her face into Itachi’s hair. The scent of his hair is enough to lure her back into grogginess. She hasn’t seen him in months, gods she’s missed him.

     “About 100 thousand ryo,”

     “80%,”

     “50,”

     “There are two of us and one of you,”

     “66 then,”

     “75,”

     “66, it’s fair,”

     “75% of that 100 thousand Kakashi-sensei, or I pummel you as soon I as get up,”

     “Fine.”

**Author's Note:**

> im a sluT for reviews folks


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